Fucking rant more like

Let me tell you a story about reviewing this album.....

It was six pm as Sam made his way into the office; the rain played a staccato rhythm on the window panes as if the sky had a drum line to get out of its system and it wanted everyone to hear it. It had been raining nonstop for four weeks now and Sam paid it no heed, filtering out the steady wash of water on the grimy glass as his attention was caught by the brown padded envelope on his desk. The package was from RoomThirteen, they'd hired him for a job and he intended to see it through no matter how painful it might be.

Sitting behind his old beaten desk he tipped back in his scarred and tarnished leather chair and ripped the envelope open, his address was scrawled across the front in large black marker pen as if the sender thought the post office only employed myopic staff, three CDs fell out of the package followed by three press releases, one of the press releases fell into a puddle of coffee left over from a spillage the night before and Sam used it to soak up the cold bitter brew. It was probably the best thing a press release had ever been used for and Sam screwed it up and threw the soggy mess into the bin.

Perusing the discs he noted the band names; 'Zonaria', 'Father' and 'The fucking wrath'. Nice. He listened to them all right the way through without stopping and then he went back to 'The fucking wrath' it seemed to have shoehorned 11 songs into 26 minutes, Sam knew his mathematics wasn't that great but even he could work out that that wasn't enough time for any Dream Theater leanings. He was even more surprised to find that the first song was a 2 minute 51 second intro leaving even less time for 10 proper songs to cram themselves in. He checked the running times, longest song came in at 4 minutes and 11 seconds whilst the shortest was over in 1 minute 14. The only time he'd heard any album containing nothing but short songs that was any good was when he happened upon Static X's 'Machine' album, now that was how to do short songs.

Sam leant his head against his steepled fingers and rested his elbows on the desk listening, songs came and went like short bursts of pointless life, never evolving beyond an initial idea and gone before they could leave any kind of mark in their wake. The singer merely creased Sams forehead with his monotone shouting, clearly melody was an alien concept to him as song after song he shouted the lyrics the same way over and over again. Sam made notes on his desk blotter which itself hadn't escaped the coffee from the night before. He wrote short descriptive lines about the simplicity of the drumming, the guitars while not badly played, were simply there in the mix without creating any kind of uniqueness or feeling. He jotted about how as soon as a song speeded up it instantly fell into a pattern so well trodden by the preceding songs before.

Twenty six minutes later it was over for the second time and Sam checked out how well it flew out of his office window and across the street, it flew pretty well, gliding a fascinating arc through the falling rain before disappearing into the darkness beyond. It was the most interesting thing the CD had done since entering his life just over an hour ago. THE END.

You may think the above is crap, it should be I made it up as I went along and just fixed the spelling and the shite punctuation, but I'll tell you what it does have in its favour which this album does not. Inventiveness. I at least took the time to think of an interesting way to review this CD, you may not like it but at least I tried. The Fucking Wrath haven't tried to do anything as far as I can tell except get together and make a noise, I'm sure it's fun and I wouldn't stop them doing it for the world, just don't record it and expect people to pay for it. REALLY THE END.