By the numbers

Any metal head will tell you about the hilarious thing none metal folk do when they hear you listen to 'Heavy Metal'. What they do is put on the most moronic face they can manage and then do the lamest headbanging in the world while making a sound that sounds like they're having a stroke. They think they're hilarious and that you've never seen anything so funny in your life. Sorry to ruin it for you but everyone does it when I say the words 'Heavy Metal'.

The reason this is funny is that it shows just how little they know, and I'm sure I do something similar when they say the words 'Dance music'. Waving my hands above my head springs to mind. What's my point you ask. My point unfortunately is that Desaster are the sort of thing they're thinking of when they do it. 'Satan's Soldiers Syndicate' is death/black metal so obvious and uninspiring that I'm tempted to do a stupid impression of them myself.

Hailing from Germany they tread through every convention of the genre. In Germany as far as I can tell from listening to German metal since Helloween in the eighties, bands have no sense of irony. They will quite happily sing about pumpkins, metal warriors or any old shit without the slightest hint of self consciousness, this of course is part of their charm as contrary to English belief Germans have a great and wacky sense of humour, the problem is Desaster don't seem to have contained it when they should be being serious.

In a song called 'Hellbangers' there is the line "Come on, bang your fucking head for the master of hell" blimey guys if you're going to do joke songs then be more obvious it's a joke, if you're serious then just give up now. Musically this is nothing to write about, but I am, so I'll just say it's dull, so dull in fact that my attention wanders off even when I'm sat here writing about it. I got distracted by postman pat of all things. Yeah metal m/ I'm looking forward to not listening to this again.

I can't recommend this, it's not terrible but it's generic and goes through the motions, Desaster actually say on their website 'there is no space for any innovation and modern elements!' could this be because musically they have peaked and can't come up with anything better rather than consciously sticking to an old style? If you want serious Black metal hunt down a copy of Trelldom Til Minne that'll have you wetting the bed, this will just fuel hilarious impressions from idiot colleagues.