The watership is going down...

Somewhat unbelievably, Bright Eyes are massive right now - even more massive than a super black hole - which is exactly what this double A side deserves to be thrown into.

'Hot Knives' sounds like a duff track Elliot Smith left off 'Figure Eight' because it made him want to kill himself - and if he'd stuck around long enough to catch this steaming mound of ridiculous nonsensical twaddle, I reckon he would have dispensed with the blade method and just put this on repeat until his head blew up like that dude from 'Scanners'.

The Independent (a newspaper that, in my house at least, is renowned for its lackadaisical arts coverage) has deemed Conor Oberst "the most gifted and intelligent lyricist under 30 working in America - and possibly anywhere - today".

At best, the above proclamation is comical. At worst (and as you'd expect from someone who routinely replies "What fucking glass?" to the question "Do you see the glass half-empty or half-full?") it's insane.

'Hot Knives' is so dull, blunt and thick, it wouldn't cut a Dairylea Triangle in half - not even if Geoff Capes was at the controls. Insipid production values apart, Oberst has crafted a tune of such astounding banality and incomprehensible mediocrity that I'm surprised the studio's mixing desk didn't melt out of pure tedium while the track was being recorded.

As Bright Eyes have released this as a double A Side, I should write a few words about 'If The Brakeman Turns My Way'. I'm not going to. I refuse to waste my time and your time trying to think of new and creative ways of saying the following: It is shit.

Bright Eyes. I can think of only one occasion when I've heard these two words in that order within the realms of popular music and been genuinely thrilled...

Bonnie Tyler...take a bow.